The Shame Game
Writer: Rachael Brooks
Ever been in a one-sided fight? One where you are miserably losing? Cannot seem to make it end? Getting pummeled? I have. But not between myself and another actual person. My opponent was shame. And shame won; not just once either. Multiple times in my life.
Shame can manifest itself in several ways. It can come from yourself, people in your life, people not in your life, news sources, social media, anywhere really. It sneaks its way into our minds and overtakes our behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs. Therefore, allowing the shame to win.
We can be going in one direction, feeling great. Throw in some shame from somewhere and everything becomes derailed in an instant. A common example for myself is with parenting.
– “Your baby isn’t sleeping through the night yet? He should be.”
– “He’s still not walking? Have you talked to your doctor about that?”
– “You only nursed for a month? You should not be giving your baby formula at such a young age.”
– “How dare you let your two-year-old eat a donut for breakfast.”
– “If you send your child to daycare, you will be missing all their best moments.”
You name it, I’ve heard it. ALL. The shame quite literally ate (and still does at times) me alive, causing me to second guess my every move, all while I was battling severe postpartum depression. The shame won, but it doesn’t have to win if we don’t let it.
In a world of constantly being told, “don’t do this” and/or “yes, do that,” it’s no wonder people are riddled with humiliation, anxiety, and fear. But I do have a few tips and ideas to work through this. In our efforts to conquer a victory in the shame game:
1. Talk yourself up, not down. Filling your thoughts with shameful words and ideas will cause you to believe it.
2. Do not second guess yourself. Make your decisions and proudly stand by them. Sure, sometimes we may get it wrong because no one is perfect, but we can own that and learn from it, rather than letting the shame take over. For all the moms out there, go with your “mother’s intuition”. It is not called that for nothing. What is right for you may not be right for someone else, and that is OKAY!
3. Speak up. If you find yourself in a shaming loop with yourself, talk about it. In a journal, with a therapist, with the person presumably doing the shaming. Not letting things fester gives us a major leg up on shame.
4. Eliminate the toxins. Toxic people, toxic environments, toxic social media accounts, toxic conversations. Shame has few ways to form when we get rid of the toxins.
5. Celebrate the wins, times when you overcome shame!
Everyone has felt or is currently feeling shameful. At times, it is hard to avoid. However, if we are more intentional about recognizing shame, we are more equipped to eliminate it. I find that half the time, it is something I create in my own mind anyway. So, stay strong, stay true to yourself, and stay proud of who you are!
About the Writer
Rachael Brooks is a writer and public speaker in the sexual violence prevention and mental wellness sectors, located in Raleigh, NC. She currently speaks with and serves on the board of InterAct of Wake County, a North Carolina area nonprofit focusing on giving sexual assault survivors a voice. Rachael is the author of Beads (Koehler Books), an award-winning memoir detailing her journey from sexual assault victim to survivor. Beads speaks to the challenges that sexual assault victims face and the range of emotions they experience throughout the recovery process. Stay up-to-date on Rachael’s writings through her blog, The Beaded Survivor.
Website: rachaelbrooks.com
Writer’s podcast episode, HERE.